Science vs. Crazy
As I was leaving my playwrighting class, and walked across the commons area of my school, I saw a man standing on an embankment and delivering a screed against science. I didn’t know what was going on at first, but then I heard him say, “Fish crawled out on land according to evolution, but how did they evolve LUNGS?” Unfortunately for him, scientists could easily show him creatures that can breathe underwater and on land, but he apparently can’t understand how a creature can do both, and how a fish could do so. Alas, there were no scientists with fish present, so I had to intervene.
By this time, there was a large group of students around him. Most would cry out questions of various sorts, usually irrelevant or stupid questions that he was expecting. For instance, this one guy kept asking questions about how old the Earth is or whether dinosaurs existed, which a guy setting up a screed against science would have convenient answers for. Me? I asked him the hard stuff.
As soon as he said what I was waiting for, I attacked. “Someone had to have created all this; it couldn’t have come from chance! It is too complex!” I then asked him who created God. He looked at me, stunned, then avoided the question by saying “Every building needs a builder!” So I asked him again. If the complexities on Earth need a creator to exist, then wouldn’t God be more complex than anything on Earth, and also need a creator? He didn’t really answer. He said that God existed in another dimension where time doesn’t apply. So I asked him if God was simpler than the universe, for surely if God is complex he couldn’t have always existed or come about by chance. He once again ignored the question though and said evolution was a lie.
At this point, I was frustrated with his inability to answer me directly, so I climbed up next to him and started preaching.
I looked at the crowd gathered before me, and felt the adrenaline, so I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind: Invisible pink elephants in the sky.
I went on about how science doesn’t REALLY explain rain, and how rain was actually produced by invisible pink elephants in the sky who urinate on us. I explained that I knew this not through reason, but “in my heart”. I then told everyone that if we refused to worship the invisible elephants in the sky, they would cease to urinate on us and there would be no more rain. While I was going on about all this, the other guy who was preaching just remained relatively speechless, trying to say things in interjection, but his timid voice was overcome by my booming one, as I was really, really pumped by now.
Then a girl came up to me and told me to come down. She whispered that someone had called the campus security force, so I stayed down from then on.
So, then the guy started talking again when he saw with relief that I had gotten down, but he refused to look at me, and he avoided me at all costs, even though I was right in front of him at his feet, when everyone else had made quite a wide circle around him. At one point he said that man and dinosaur had existed at the same time. He said a fossil was found with a man’s footprint above a dinosaur’s. He said that further proof was that people once wrote of dragons, and these were actually dinosaurs.
When he said this, I yelled loudly, “HOLY CRAP, DO UNICORNS EXIST TOO?” And he ignored me. So then I continued by asking him if centaurs, fairies, goblins, and ogres exist, because these are often in the same stories with dragons. He said they don’t exist. And then I started shouting out that just because he doesn’t have “proof” that they don’t exist doesn’t mean they don’t exist! And he proceeded to ignore me again for mocking him. He looked very uncomfortable. I feel sorry for the poor bastard. God shouldn’t be allowed to make people so stupid.
Anyway, then I had to go to class. Forty minutes later, as I was leaving, I heard someone shout from behind me, “Worship the invisible elephant!” and turned to see a guy with a defiant fist in the air.
I can just see it. This is going to be the next big religion. WATCH OUT SCIENTOLOGY!
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