I have single-handedly destroyed the campus police force
I have single-handedly destroyed the campus police force.
Prior to my prompt and timely arrival to school, the campus police had set up riot barricades and large signs in front of various parking lots that proclaimed, in big, bolded lettering, FULL to everyone who happened to pass, including airplanes and unidentified flying objects hovering around Mars. Next to the great wall of china, this lettering was the second most visible man-made feature from space.
I, being wary of my surroundings, drove towards the parking lot closest to the school. I am lazy and hate walking to places with incredible zeal, so I was determined that I would not park at the only parking garage without a FULL sign in front of it, which was approximately five miles from my nearest classroom. But to my eternal chagrin, the police had barricaded the entrance to the nearest parking lot. There they stood, holding their little waving flags, beckoning me to turn around and park five miles away like drooling cogs in a vast political machine.
It was at this point that I noticed several empty parking spots in the back of the lot. There were about twenty empty spots in the closest lot, yet these incompetent goons were blocking it off with their false FULL sign, viciously denying reality like skeptical philosophers. The lot was full, because their sign said it was full, and they substituted their far-walking reality for my near-parking hopes.
But I have the heart of a bastard embedded somewhere underneath my soul, so I turned into the parking lot anyway, weaving between the barricades and ultimately entering on the wrong side of the road, dodging exiting vehicles aggressively.
Just as I saw a clearing, and I began to press my foot to the gas, one of the campus police officers nimbly stumbled towards my car, his hand extended in the universal sign of authority, his five spread fingers proclaiming, HALT.
Knowing I could do nothing, I obeyed his petty command. He moved his hand in a circular fashion, apparently trying to communicate with me. I stared at him uncomprehendingly. Then, I realized that the circular hand motion was a gesture for “roll down your windows”. I had power windows of course, so the meaning was lost on me. But I figured it out eventually.
After rolling down my windows, the officer tells me, “Miss, this parking lot is full.”
I looked at him in disbelief. I motioned to several of the empty spots. He turned and looked at them dumbly, then turned back to stare at me with a child’s incomprehension. “The parking lot is full.”
“Can I park in that spot right there, the one that is empty, that is a mere five feet from where I am right now?”
He turned around again, stared dumbly, but this time noticed the spot. He fingered his chin and thought.
“Yes,” he finally replied. I had corrupted his version of reality; I had single-handedly destroyed his universe of FULL.
After I parked, I noticed the police were folding up their barricades and motioning cars into the lot. I was the shining beacon of truth, and I had set them free! I truly was making the world safe for democracy…and for parking!
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